Stripped down to my underwear to check for scars. That’s what it had all boiled down to. There had been months of scrutiny, accusations, attacks on my character and my family, jumping through hoops to please them. And these were supposed to be people I could trust.
I had worked at this church for two years. When my husband and I would not bend the knee to unbiblical management practices, the attacks began. I had struggled with depression, but this was too much for me to handle. Just the night before, I was wide awake, thinking of ways I could end my life and be home with Jesus, away from all those who were conspiring against me.
People say a lot about Psychiatric Hospitals. Really, they say a lot about the people admitted into them. I didn’t fall into the typical category of the people you think make it in there. Maybe that’s the point. Nevertheless, there I was, standing in my underwear, under the microscopic eyes of a nurse who was documenting each and every scar that clung to my body. Why? That’s exactly what I asked too. The staff needed a base line condition of my body, in case I decided to injure myself while I was under their care. They even wanted to take the drawstring out of my athletic pants so I couldn’t use it to hang myself. If I wasn’t scared and all alone before, I sure as heck felt like I was then.
I could relate to David, fearing for his life as Saul conspired to take his life.
Rescue me from my enemies, O God. Protect me from those who have come to destroy me. Rescue me from these criminals; save me from these murderers. They have set an ambush for me. Fierce enemies are out there waiting, Lord, though I have not sinned or offended them. I have done nothing wrong, yet they prepare to attack me. ~ Psalm 59:1-4
Those were three of the hardest days of my life. At the time, I didn’t understand how I had ended up there. But God is still sovereign in our darkest times. He’s still sovereign in your dark time too, my friend.
After being released from the hospital, which had felt like a prison cell to me, it came to my attention that there had been a plot to fire me in a very public way. Looking back, I can see that my prison cell had been more like a fortress in which God had placed me for safe keeping. Looking back, I can see that the moment I had entered the building, any suicidal thought I had wrestled with just 18 hours earlier had completely vanished. God’s perfect peace had fallen over me.
Like David, I too could rejoice. God’s power had kept me safe from the hands of my adversaries. He had been my refuge in my time of distress.
But as for me, I will sing about your power. Each morning I will sing with joy about your unfailing love. For you have been my refuge, a place of safety when I am in distress. O my Strength, to you I sing praises, for you, O God, are my refuge, the God who shows me unfailing love. ~ Psalm 59:16-17